Too much free time

Old Jokes

All of these jokes are years and as such are not politically correct. Please note that it is not my intention to offend anyone these are simple meant to be funny.

On the other hand if your upset that your not offended then please let me know and I would be happy to offend.

Jokes:

• A bird in the hand is useless if you want to blow your nose.
• Two navvies were working down in a sewer when one dropped his coat in the main sluice. He immediatley began fishing around in the murky mess with a stick and the other, appalled, remarked: “Look here, you can’t wear that thing again now.”
  “Oh I know,” replied the other, “But my lunch is in the pocket.”
• Child: “Mummy , mummy, can I lick the bowl?”
  Mother: “No, flush it like everyone else.”
• “I washed my dog last night and it died.”
  “Died? But why? Washing a dog can’t kill it.”
  “Well it was either that or the spin-dryer that did it.”
• “Mummy, mummy, why is daddy zig-zagging across the lawn?”
  “Shut up, and reload!”
• Why do you never get ice in drinks served in Ireland?
  The fellow with the recipe emigrated.
• Bo-Peep did it for the insurance.
• Superman meets Batman on 7th Avenue. “Hi Bats, fancy coming out for a jar tonight? We could pull a few birds; do the town.” “Sure thing Superman. See you on top of the Empire State building at six.”
  Superman carries on and meets Spiderman. “Hi Spiderman, fancy coming out on the town tonight?” “Sound good to me,” says Spiderman. “Right then, see you on top of the Empire State building at six.”
  Superman meets various other Superheroes, and arranges the rendezvous. Come six o’clock they’re all there waiting, but no sign of Superman. Five minutes later the Incredible Hulk says, “Look up in the sky, is it a bird or is it a plane?” “No, it’s a bird.”
  About quarter past six Superman finally arrives. “Where have you been?” they all ask. “Well,” begins Superman, “I was flying over the south of France after saving Japan from an earthquake, when I noticed Wonder-Women lying naked on the beach. Not being one to miss such an opportunity I flew straight down for a quick one.” “What happened?” asked Batman. “Well I hadn’t counted on the Invisible Man being there.”
• What’s the worst thing you can do to a blind man?
  Stand behind him at a pelican crossintg and go “Beep, beep, beep.”
• An old man hobbled over to the ice-cream vendor and asked him for a sundae.
  “Crushed nuts?” the vendor asked him.
  “No, just rheumatism.”
• Group of hippies are smoking ‘pot’, when they hear police sirens below.
  “Quick, hide the stuff, ” says one of them.
  “Where?” asks his mate.
  “Shove it all inside the cuckoo clock.”
  So hurriedly all the pot was put inside the clock, but only just in time as the police entered the room. They carried out a thorough search of the pad, and were just about to leave, having found no pot, when there was a noise from the cuckoo clock. Out shot the cuckoo, who said,
  “Hey man . . . . . what time is it?!!”
• Divorce Lawyer: “Well, I’ll be frank with you Mr Mouse, I don’t honestly think you can get a divorce from your wife Minnie on the grounds that she’s got buck teeth.”
  Mickey Mouse: “I didn’t say that! I said she was f*****g Goofy!”
• What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
  Erotic is when you use a feather.
  Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
• Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
  The cow blew up on the launching pad.
• You can tell it’s the mating season. The hedgehogs are looking puzzled.
• “How’s the wife then?”
  “Well you know, so so,. She hasn’t been feeling herself lately, but it was a pretty disgusting habit anyway.”
• What do you do when an irishman throws a grenade at you?
  Take the pin out and throw it back.
• It is true that she was only the prostitue’s daughter, but she was streets ahead of her mother.
• As they led a man to the gallows a thunder storm broke out.
  “Terrible weather for it,” says the prisoner. “I don’t know what your worried about,” says the hangman, “I’ve got to walk back in it.”
• George sent a photo to the lonely hearts club hoping to join, only to have it sent back with a note saying ‘ We’re not that lonely’.
• An Irishman decided to end it all by taking 200 asprins, but after taking 2 he felt a whole lot better.
• A man walks in to a barbers shop holding a small boy by the hand. After the man had a haircut, shampoo and shave he placed the small boy in the chair. “I’m just going for a bottle, I’ll be back in a minute”. The boy had his haircut and the man hadn’t returned. “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten about you,” the barber said. “Oh that wasn’t my dad,” said the boy. “He just came up to me outside and said, ‘Come on son, let’s go for a free haircut.’”
• I’ve stopped Roger biting his nails. How? I’ve kicked his teeth in.
• How can you tell when your rubber doll needs emptying?
  When you can see the whites of its eyes.
• A long distance lorry driver returns home to his slightly deaf wife. He had been working in Saltburn that day and after telling his wife this about 10 times but just not getting through he took to a physical description. He poured some salt into his hand. “Ah, salt” said his wife. At last thought the lorry driver. He then threw the salt onto the fire. “Oh, Saltburn.” exclaimed his wife. The lorry driver clapped and cheered. Finally she had it. Next day at work he was explaining this to his boss. With a huge grin on his face the boss says, “Well then, your going to have fun tonight”, “why’s that then?” said the lorry driver. – “Your driving to Cockermouth today”.
• Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said in a quiet Wispa. “I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts” he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight! Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts